US To World, Soccer Sucks
It is time for World Cup fever to catch the world on fire. Nations across the globe are taking pride and taking notice. Fans have been practicing flipping cars and sparking fires for months just so they can show their support in the most flamboyant destructive way possible. This has left many in the US asking the question. “What the hell is the World Cup?” The Institute of American Apathy recently concluded a study where 86% of Americans don’t care what the World Cup is. A full 92% of Americans “Strongly Disagree” with soccer. Even more interesting, 78% of Americans “felt strong support” for America in their competition with England when the word “futbol” was used and 84% of those surveyed asked, “Why did you say football with such a funny accent?” When asked the same question using “soccer” instead of “futbol” only 6% of those surveyed bothered to answer the question.
To any American who has had the misfortune of watching a soccer game, this is no surprise. Soccer is like watching baseball if baseball was just playing catch. Soccer manages to combine the slow pace of golf, the low scoring of hockey, the physicality of badminton, and the repetition of Mexico’s favorite past time, “ball in a cup.”
The Lame Ass Sports Association ranks the World Cup tournament 346th in between the IRPST (International Rock, Paper, Scissors, Tournament), and those free car competitions where people sit in a car for days on end slowly turning that new car smell into old gym sock. Ruler of Darkness, Satan himself said, “I don’t understand the World Cup. I reserve playing soccer for the 7th level of hell. These people are so masochistic they scare me.”
Prince Charles has been taking flack in England from the media for his lack of emotion regarding the World Cup. He finally broke out in an interview saying, “I don't sit around talking to experts because this is a college seminar," Charles continued. "We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers how we can kick some World Cup ass.” When questioned about Prince Charles’ comments Obama responded, “It’s complicated but let me be clear, Lebron James.” The White House has declined to clarify the meaning of the comment but after close review of the interview it does appear Obama did bow when responding to Prince Charles.
I personally dont know how most Americans feel but I assume most Americans agree. Soccer sucks.
Tyson Bam
