When Earth Trembles
Citizens. Today we are sad to tell you that all mankind is in dire straights. We have weathered history, boldly facing, and conquering challenges of all kinds. We have risen to greatness on this earth. We have suffered through The Great War, FDR, World War II, Korea, Nam, Hippies I, Global Cooling, Jimmy Carter, The Iraq War I, Kosovo, 9/11, Afghanistan, Iraq II, ManbearPig, Hippies II, and now we face our greatest challenge yet, Global Quaking. In the past few months we have suffered major earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, and Turkey. There have been near infinite aftershocks and tremors felt worldwide. We have very little evidence or understanding of the cause of these quakes but we have begun outlining outrageously expensive ideas to focus on the things we think, might, somehow, possibly be related to this catastrophic global change.
I recently did a study in my bathtub. When I shook my arms vigorously underwater it caused unprecedented waves in the tub. If I had filled it too high, it would have spilled over the edge, possibly damaging the floor or wetting the clothes I laid out for after the bath. This is a bad omen for the world. Earthquakes are almost similar to me flapping my arms underwater, and there is a consensus that tsunamis of unprecedented size will assault the coastal regions around the globe.
We face dire straights citizens. Millions will be displaced. There will be famines and pestilence. Probably snow, storms and drought. All kinds of weather will rain down across this diverse planet raining a plague of desolation on our glorious earth. Still worse, with the constant tremors, playing dominoes will be almost impossible. College students everywhere will start fundraisers , pretending to care, while beefing up their resume. Hippies will organize concerts to raise awareness. Awareness of their awful guitar skills. Celebrities will congregate and sing “We are the World,” yet again. Apparently there is absolutely no other song on the planet that promotes unity. These things are only the beginning.
People will die. Americans could be hit hardest. After three hundred million Americans die the only one left to lead will be George Bush. This is all his fault in the first place. He lied, and global quaking made millions of Americans die. He will lead the FEMA effort to no avail. The UN will rise to power with the world's governments stressed beyond the breaking point. The UN has never actually had to do anything; it will be hard to survive. Food will be scarce. Once the Twinkies run out, we will be forced to eat those pink coconut thingies that also last forever. Those are terrible. Hold on to hope citizens.
As we speak a top government agency is putting a team together. We have gathered Al Gore, the cast of Core, and Chuck Norris for a secret mission. What they will be attempting is dangerous. It is a long shot. Still, it is the only shot we have. Hold on to hope. Gather your children. Take someone else's children. Stock up on food, water and Heineken. Find a safe place. If you can, get in a bathroom or a doorway. Crouch under a desk if you must. None of these things will help but a psychologist somewhere says it makes people feel better.
We ask that you keep Al Gore, the cast of Core, and Chuck Norris in your prayers. We have tried for years to dig to the center of the earth but just now, for effect, we have a drill that can make it there. We don't understand all the science. The reports were too long and difficult to read. We believe the dinosaurs Brendan Fraser saw on his “Journey to the Center of the Earth” have began to act up causing these earthquakes. We plan to drill to the center of the earth, unleash Chuck Norris, and have him kick the living shit out of everything. We ask everyone to pray. Pray for hope and change, this we can believe in. Pray like they did in the book version of “War of the Worlds,” not the shitty Tom Cruise fraud. Hope and pray. We bid you good night, and good luck.
Tyson Bam
