De-firmative Action Ruins NBA
The NBA as we know it may be gone forever after a recent court ruling instating De-ffirmative Action. In Guys Who Suck at Basketball V. NBA the Supreme Court ruled that the NBA has actively discriminated as evidenced by the disproportionate hiring of certain minorities compared to national demographics. The tentative fix has been to establish racial quotas each team must adhere to based on the most recent Census information on racial distribution in the US. The NBA hosted and emergency tryout to fill out rosters with underrepresented races which didn't bode well for the future of the NBA. Hispanics had trouble adjusting to using only their hands and not their feet, while Native Americans fled the gym when assistants handed out towels. Caucasians were best represented by Rifle Pete who put on an impressive free throw shooting display before getting stuffed by the rim on an attempted dunk. Asians failed to impress many scouts on the court as they chose to practice on the eight foot goals but they were incredible at keeping stats for the other participants. Indians failed to show up to the tryout due to a misunderstanding over whether the jobs were being outsourced to India.
This is bad news for the NBA and the fans. The entertainment value of NBA games could drop to near WNBA numbers. Entertainment value is measured by a simple formula ((# of dunks/ # of layups) * total points). With the sudden influx of athletically challenged players, the number of dunks are expected to decrease by 76 percent while layups are expected to increase by 56 percent. This is a devastating blow to entertainment value. This is compounded by the anticipated renewal of focus on fundamentals and defense which experts believe could cut NBA scores by 25 percent.
These disturbing numbers could bankrupt the NBA as the ticket and merchandise bubbles collapse but Farney Bank, Chairman of the NBA Finances Committee, had a sunnier outlook as he explained, “There is an excessive degree of worry about ticket and merchandise sales. People who think the industry is at the point of a bubble seem to be missing the point that the NBA still has solid investments like balls, jerseys and nets which, historically, have never decreased in value.”
As a basketball fan myself I am shocked and appalled at this turn of events. I don't care if my Rockets are a rainbow coalition or not. I want the tallest, best shooting, most athletic, talented group of guys playing for my team so they can kick the holy hell out of Kobe Bryant and the damn Lakers. In my humble unbiased opinion the Lakers are the most obnoxious team in the United States and their fans are dimwitted no talent hacks. The NBA doesn't need quotas. It needs the best, most talented players out on the court playing their heart out every night. Vertically challenged white guys like myself need to shut up and live vicariously through the television and copious amounts of booze. No skills, no big time NBA contract.
In completely unrelated news, thousands of Asians with impeccable grades and test scores were denied admission into ivy league schools this year in order to leave room for everyone else.
Tyson Bam
August 15th, 2010
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