General McChrystal replaced by General Motors
In a stunning turn of events Democrats rallied around the president to chart a new course in the war against the president's ego. Desperate times call for desperate measure and in a military filled with pragmatic leaders looking for real effective solutions the administration had to dig deep to find a General who was already bought and paid for. General Motors fit the bill. General Motors has begun announcing its top level advisors, SEIU, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and Goldman Sachs, and sources close to GM indicate that there will be a radical reshaping of strategy in Afghanistan. It appears the first steps will be unionizing the military and refinancing the war by bundling subprime war debt and reselling it as a top rated security.
SEIU has taken the lead on unionizing by pushing for card check and criticizing the military for shipping jobs overseas to Iraq and Afghanistan. SEIU has also openly complained about working conditions explaining, “The work environment is dangerous and fails to live up to safety standards.” OSHA chimed in saying, “We found violations throughout the military. Often guns and chemicals are near places where food is handled and prepared which could lead to getting shot or blown up by terrorists.” The administration seems to be caving to pressure from the left to bring the jobs back home and focus on the economy. The president made a statement noting, “The economy is the number one priority. That is why I have placed a moratorium on drilling. I have also stimulated the economy by dragging my feet on the oil spill to build support for my cap and trade legislation that will usher in a new green technology age similar to Spain where two jobs were destroyed for every job created.” The greedy conservative war mongers have been angered by the recent turn of events. We spoke to one completely rational venomous war monger who asked, “When the respected, Obama appointed, commander in Afghanistan, asserts that the president seemed “uncomfortable and intimidated,” why is the story about him and not about our Commander in Chief being “uncomfortable and intimidated?” When an advisor to the respected, Obama appointed, Commander in Afghanistan says, “Obama clearly didn't know anything about (McChrystal), who he was. Here's the guy who is going to run his fucking war, but he didn't seem very engaged.” Why doesn't anyone care that the Commander in Chief doesn't know anything about his General, or seem engaged?” Clearly this is the mad ravings of a rethuglican. Everyone knows that if the Commander in Chief of the United States is dropping the ball the only American thing to do is keep your eyes on the ground and lay low. Disagreeing with the president is positive proof of incompetency unless that president is George W. Bush.
In an effort to boost Obama's approval rating, the main job General Motors will be handling in Afghanistan, armored vehicles are out and more Americans will be hired to protect soldiers using Greek Phalanx tactics. General Motors factories will be retrofitting plants to make large shields for these new soldiers to carry. The administration assured us that they would only be restructuring factories that make larger, gas guzzling vehicles, the only vehicles they can actually sell. This is part of a larger effort to “green” the military. All the remaining military vehicles will be replaced with hybrids to make us less dependent on foreign oil, and the oil not being captured or drilled for in the gulf. These new hybrids are specially designed for the rough terrain in Afghanistan, able to easily roll over small mounds of sand and drive up to 600 yards at a time.
Top advisors Goldman Sachs, Fannie, and Freddie, have assured us that the cost of the war will make them tons of money and if not they are now officially on the government dole. Market analysts are already warning of a Military Industrial Complex bubble but Barney Frank has assured us that we are going to be fine. We remain hopeful of change here at Rancor News and assure you that the president's ego is in no danger of shrinking anytime soon.
Tyson Bam
June 24th, 2010
