Administration Fudges Numbers, They Still Look Bad
President Obama became a cult icon among hippies, slackers, and a various assortment of degenerates today while making a speech about the economy and the almost non-existent job creation this administration has overseen. Obama explained, “I am going to be taxing the job creators in our country. That means less jobs will be available and many of you will probably be laid off. That is why today, I am standing up for the American people. I am going to raise taxes even more so we can afford to pay unemployment to those of you unemployed because of tax increases.” Obama was met with cheers from the left for his foresight and ability to address problems while he is causing them. The conservative ghost of economist Milton Friedman had this to say on the issue. “Raising taxes on job creators when people are in desperate need of jobs is counter-intuitive. It is apparent that the president would rather pay people not to work, than grow the economy.” This message has been peddled by the Republican Party and the Fox News Channel with moderate success. To counter the message, liberal economist Paul Krugman countered, “These conservative economists just have no idea how the real world works. This is the party of “No.” They didn't believe we could expand health care to millions of Americans, even high risk Americans, without prices going up and or rationing. What do they have to say now? We did it! All it took were some price increases, cutting back on some services and a budget that the cost exceeded before the law was even implemented. These conservative economists don't even realize that when you are in charge you can just make things up. Look at the jobs saved statistic. We did that. We saved millions of jobs by making that up.”
In a recent appearance by Nancy Pelosi, she explained that the health care bill is an entrepreneurial bill that allows people to become musicians and artists because they don't need to worry about losing health insurance. The bi-partisan Office of Fact Checking Stupid Mouth Breathers conducted a study finding that the average musician creates negative two jobs. The administration addressed the study quickly pointing out that they can offset those job losses easily by hiring and firing census workers multiple times while only counting the number of “hires.” They further explained that the world needs another Moby. If you are not familiar with Moby, he is a musician and his biggest claim to fame is being made fun of by Eminem. When he is not performing in a packed port-a-potty for his three fans, he doubles as the stupid dancing Six Flags guy.
Conservatives have accused the administration of falsifying economic data to make their policies seem more effective. This came with the caveat that the administration is terrible at it because even with rigged data they still haven't looked very good. Last week we discovered that many Democrats can't read which explained why the health care law was passed and why Arizona has been criticized erroneously for their recent legislation. Speculation now abounds as to whether this administration is capable of doing math. The administration has declined to comment but Robert Gibbs was recently photographed practicing his multiplication tables with flash cards. We promise to follow this story closely.
Tyson Bam
