Ocean's Hate Levels Critical After Bin Laden Spill
Countless barrels of rage, fanaticism and hate were poured into the ocean Monday as Osama Bin Laden was dumped into the ocean. This came just hours after Osama's final act on earth, using a woman as a meat shield in a US raid of his compound in Pakistan.
A consensus is forming that Bin Laden may be the most dangerous pollutant ever introduced into the already tumultuous and unpredictable oceans. The sea has always had a tenuous relationship with land-lubbers often providing food and leisure to millions. In the past decade however the ocean has been particularly prone to violent outburst as seen by tsunamis in Indonesia and Japan as well as some of the more damaging hurricanes in recent history.
“There's just no telling what the ocean will do after exposure to such high doses of hate,” explained acclaimed Nobel Laureate and high school graduate Joe Science. “There is definite concern that if the hate reaches certain levels we could face a hate wave.”
Threat levels have been elevated to red for US coastal cities but there is concern for all western civilization.
Reports are already coming in from areas around the Bin Laden spill of blowfish swimming up to boats and detonating. “It's an entirely new phenomenon,” said baffled Religious Oceans expert Gunner Whale. “Survival is the most basic instinct in nature but these blow fish don't seem to care.”
It's too early to know exactly what the damage will be to our oceans but if hammerheads and swordfish take up the cause our oceans may never be the same saying nothing of the dangers of a porpoise with a purpose. Rumours of Jihadist Jellyfish, Muslim Manatees, The Barracuda Brotherhood and a mysterious Coalition of Killer Whales are running rampant through out the internet.
Environmental Christian groups have been popping up around the world. Salvation for the Seas has already pledge to put ten thousand bibles in the ocean by the end of the year.
As summer approaches beach goers are advised to keep a lookout for hate waves and report any sighting of fishy fundamentalists.
Tony Hayward declined to comment on the story but it is assumed he still just wants his life back.
May 3rd, 2011
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