Toddler Fails to Sail Around the World
Baby Stu Pidfolks failed in his first attempt to sail around the world. He set off in a Catamaran Jr. from the coast of Florida at the age of 16 months with twelve bottles of formula, some mashed peas, a bottle of Bullfrog sunscreen, and three tethered pacifiers. He would have been the youngest person to ever sail around the world solo. The US Coast Guard found Baby Stu in a swamp a few miles from where he cast off after a grueling, expensive taxpayer funded search. He was badly burned, malnourished, and being eyed by several hungry alligators but should make a full recovery. Authorities first suspected something had gone wrong when Baby Stu failed to update his twitter account for three days. Early reports suggest that Stu had trouble preparing his own bottles of formula and failed to open his jar of mashed peas. Baby Stu has not made any comment to the press but a member of the family said he had been crying a lot but was determined to set the record. The parents have been under scrutiny for allowing their son to attempt such a dangerous trip at such a young age. Stu’s father responded to the accusations saying, “Our child has played with boats in the bathtub from day one. He is a very adept sailor. We support him in his attempts to make us famous. Stu will not give up on our dream. Once he gets better and learns to walk we will make sure he is back out there doing what we love to make him do.” There are rumors that the family may be in talks for a new reality show on the new Ass Hat Network. Formerly cared about failed parents of Balloon boy went public today saying, “This is ridiculous! These parents are shamelessly using their child for fame. We are the worst parents in America. To prove it our little balloon boy will be attempting to set the record for most minutes held underwater.”
Regular Americans who spend their lives doing something useful are upset by massive amounts of tax payer money wasted each year saving morons who perform dangerous stunts just for the thrill. The most egregious example is Chris Matthews who voted for Barack Obama to get a thrill that started in his leg and presumably ended in his pants. Tax payers have now spent trillions of dollars they don’t have for this cheap stunt.
It seems unlikely that these thrill seekers will change their tune in a world where we value novelty acts over achievement but we can always hope that no one saves them.
Tyson Bam
