Save the World, Spank a Child
It has been years since we first started phasing out corporal punishment for the sake of our precious snowflakes tender baby powdered tushies. The idea was that if we suckled children from the teet of gentle understanding and mutual respect our little lamb chops would become well rounded, considerate, and responsible individuals. The experiment was an epic failure. In the United States there are 34 million parents living quiet lives of desperation. In this moment, no less than 1,400 mothers have been asked, “Bi@&h, where's my hot pocket.” Half of all school teachers imagine shaking a couple students to sleep each day. What makes this all very interesting is that in spite of the super sized fail involved in the “No Child's Smacked Behind” program, it somehow remains popular. A poll conducted by the non partisan think tank “Save Your Kid, Smack His Lid” found that 87% of parents do not believe spanking their children is effective. An astounding 87% also answered “Yes” when asked, “Did your child make you say that via threat of force?”
These findings are critical to the social fabric of American culture. In previous generations a parent with children running amok would have been called names, disparaged in public, isolated and considered a pariah. Children who misbehaved would have been spanked, sent to bed without dinner, and grounded in a room without television, video games, or a computer. These terrible abuses are now considered mean, inhumane, and too effective. Without these natural checks on stupid behavior we have raised a generation of limp dicked flower children who are in turn raising a generation of bratty, snot nosed, entitled, baby tumors who seem destined to Twitter their lives away. Take two seconds and google Bratz dolls and ask yourself if we have a future.
If all that isn't alarming enough, the experiment has gone so far that it is now infecting our country's foreign policy. In the glorious days of yesteryear Ahmadinejad would have had to pick his switch and been smacked around until Iran gave up pursuit of nuclear weapons. Now, with his hand in the cookie jar, our flacid leaders want to sit down and talk about it. Our leaders sympathize with poor Palestine lead by misunderstood terrorist organizations who just want to wipe Israel off the map. Our Democrat overlords want to solve illegal immigration by making everyone a citizen. Great police work Lou. Just make stealing cookies legal and that solves the problem.
Save the World, Spank a Child.
Tyson Bam
